This is the first of a special series that I’ve created just for my Gem readers! I will be featuring prominent relationship experts, women and celebrities that can share their perspectives on creating relationship wellness in their lives. I am super excited about our first feature, Nancy Slotnick. She is a renowned Life Coach, specializing in dating, love and marriage issues, that has been featured on Oprah, the Today Show and numerous others. She and her husband, Daniel Aferiat, have been married for 11 years.
In the late 90′s, Nancy founded the original dating-cafe, Drip, on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, and her most recent venture is a matchmaking site on Facebook called Matchmaker Café. She is the author of Turn Your Cablight On: Get Your Dream Man in 6 Months or Less and a contributing writer for the Huffington Post.
How did you come up with the cablight concept?
One day I was hailing a cab in New York City and I noticed that I didn’t raise my arm if cabs went by with their lights off. Then I thought, what if the light was broken, and the cab driver was driving around all day thinking there were no fares out there? I saw it as a metaphor for dating, where a lot of women think that they are proactively looking for love but they don’t know how to turn on their light.
The Cablight concept is brilliant! Can you give us 2 tips that can help us turn our cablight on?
Most women think men should make the first move. Following the idea that men like to be the pursuer, women be pursued. But, women tend to forget that the very first move is very much controlled by us. E.g., smiling so that he know your approachable or making initial eye contact with him signaling interest. Women have to give off signals that makes her seem receptive and approachable. Make yourself available. Another thing you can do is position yourself to be near him so that you can strike up small talk. An example can be “have you been to this bar before?” “How do you know so & so (hosts of the party)?”
What would you suggest for women who don’t feel comfortable approaching a man?
Since women put other people first, dare yourself do it for your future children.
Wow! That is very powerful! What about a tip for online dating?
When online dating be more proactive, don’t just wait for someone to contact you. Pick 10 guys a week to reach out to. That way you are within that 1 out of 10 probability of someone contacting you. Assertiveness about your desire for your love life outweighs attractiveness. Men are visual, but they are not that superficial they are attracted to substance.
Can you tell us about the Matchmaker Cafe app & services?
Matchmaker Café (MMC) is a Facebook application that allows you to connect with people without being Facebook friends first. MMC sets up members on real dates at a real cafe through the network of a real matchmaker. For many, the advantages are that the app and services are very schedule and time conscious. We make the dates happen and introduce you when you get there. Sign-up is through Facebook, where you can set your own privacy settings. Our matchmakers & I personally know or are Facebook friends with everyone in the database. The added bonus is that if you find someone interesting, you can see who are your common friends. That way you at least know you have some things in common. I also have the Most Eligible Program, a more intensive program to help people that want more personalized attention.
Girl, what don’t you do? Tell us about the Most Eligible Program.
This is a more intensive program that I provide for only about 10-15 clients at a time. I select clients that I feel are ready for a relationship and ready for the self-exploration required to get into a healthy relationship. With the coaching program and the person’s real commitment, I can get you to meet your dream man in 6 months or less. It’s very similar to any life change you undergo; it has to be understood from the psychological to create the lifestyle change. It’s like using a trainer or therapist. It’s that personalized attention to ensure that you achieve your goals!
What are some of the qualities of successful relationships?
Couples need to talk when they’re angry with each other & confront one another in ways that can resolve it. Relationships will bring up a lot of emotions and it really is how you navigate through that conflict. Couples counseling might be ideal in the beginning of the relationship to help learn and develop conflict resolution and communication skills.
Agree to disagree. Accept that your lives where different before meeting one another and accept those differences. Try not to be so joined at the hip. Have your own things you do. Meeting someone in 30s or 40s you’re ingrained in your ways of doing things. Having open-mindedness and flexibility about those differences are keys to overcoming some of those sticking points.
Did you use any of your own techniques to find your husband?
Of course. Necessity is the mother of invention. I saw my husband once and missed my chance.When I got another chance- on the street corner in Manhattan- I knew I had to seize my luck. So I smiled. Even though he was a stranger. He kept walking but he turned around to do the double take. Then I knew I had an “in”. So I followed him. I had nothing better to do than follow a
guy I liked. What could be more important?
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